A Civil Affair

Chapter 19: (Madeline's POV)

That day, that night, will forever be etched in my mind. The feeling of loneliness will be in my heart forever. He was the rock that kept me strong after Austin was killed and my father gave up on the store. Now I've lost them all and feel nothing but emptiness. It is now mid-summer and a fresh new grave has been added to our cemetery. He left this world with nothing to live for, claiming everything had been taken away. But this time I don't have Will to hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. This time I'm all alone.

"I'm so sorry, Miss Madeline," Mrs. Parker says as she comes into the store after I'm sure the rest of the town received the news. I say nothing until she approaches the counter. "How is your mother?"

"She's dealing as best as she can under the circumstances," I reply with no emotion, as I've said this time and again.

"You tell her we are here for her if she needs us. Such a shame it is. And he was fairly young too."

I shrug my shoulders, not sure how to reply to that. I really don't want to talk about it. In fact, I'd rather pretend it didn't happen than deal with everyone's questions and condolences. My mother even refuses visitors because she'd rather mourn alone. I don't want to be alone but the only one who I want right now isn't here.

Bradley comes out from behind a bookcase and greets Mrs. Parker. She returns the greeting, eyes me suspiciously, and leaves with a smile. Now the gossip mill will have even more to discuss about my family. I had warned him that if he was going to stay, he needed to be in the back, but he wouldn't listen. This is the exact reason I don't need him around.

"Are you going to keep me hidden away forever?"

"Depends on how long you plan on staying." I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'm in no mood for his selfish whining.

"Are you ever going to let me in? Please?" he begs. I hate when he begs. He doesn't understand the struggle it took to get here and how it is all falling apart at the seams now that my father is gone.

"I... I can't. You being here isn't a good idea."

"I want to help you. Please let me help you get past all this."

"How? It's too late. Mama was right—they'll have this store before the end of summer!"

I look around and see half of our store in boxes, the other half still on bookshelves awaiting the same fate. Will had told me he'd fight but his father came into the store demanding we begin packing not long after the marriage. That's when my father's heart gave out. Too much heartache can kill a person and it did.

"Do you really want to give up on all this?" I know he's not talking about the store and it bothers me so much.

"Bradley, you've been so good to me all these weeks, but I think I need to deal with all this on my own."

"You shouldn't have to. I should be able to help you out with all this."

"My brother is gone; my father is gone; my mother doesn't care. It's all coming down to me. It's my responsibility now."

"But you aren't alone." He grabs my hand and holds it close to his body. I can see the sincerity in his eyes and it breaks my heart that I'm breaking his, but I just can't feel for him the way he does for me.

"I'm sorry."

"You still blame me, don't you? You still blame my kind for killing your brother?"

"It's not that," I protest.

"Yes it is!" he demands aggressively. I know this conversation is going where I don't want it to go, not now anyway.

"Bradley, please, that's not what I meant."

"That's exactly what you meant! You still can't be with me because I'm from the North, because my birth certificate says Pennsylvania instead of Kentucky!"

"No, that's not it at all! You... you just don't understand!" It's so true but it's too hard to explain.

"Well then help me understand, please. I want to help you and I can't do that if you don't help me understand what's wrong!"

"What's wrong? Everything's wrong! My father and my brother should both still be alive, this store should still be a bookstore, and I should have been Rachael-Lynn!" That last one slips out and I notice him cringe slightly. "I mean... that's not what I meant to say."

"You meant every word! I can't bring them back and I'm sorry about your loss. But living in the past isn't going to help you see the future. All I see here for you in heartache and loss. It's time you changed that."

"I can't change any of this," I protest.

"Come north with me. We'll even take your mother with us if you don't want to leave her here."

I am speechless at this point. A hundred different thoughts are circling through my head and I can't find the words to express them. On the one hand he's right—I can't stay here when the world I've built is crashing down around me. On the other hand, leaving here means I've given up and giving up means the Hutchinsons have won. I can't let that happen, not when I owe it to Austin and my father to continue this fight.

"I'm sorry, I have to stay and face all of this head on."

"Then I will stay with you." I truly believe he's as stubborn as I am.

"No, Bradley. This... this just isn't going to work."

"He's married, Madeline. You can't expect him to divorce his wife for you. You need to move on."

He's right again and I hate it. What did I expect Will to do? He is married now and I refuse to be his mistress when his wife receives all the other privileges. He said he loved me, but he married her anyway. His father found my letters and made him a deal but he's still going after the store and Will is doing nothing to stop him. Maybe he didn't love me at all. I can feel small tears run down my cheeks.

"Why don't you close up the store for the day, we'll go back to your house, and I'll make dinner for you and your mom," he suggests, seeing that I'm getting upset, but not realizing we have servants that cook for us.

Before I have the chance to argue this fact, the door to the store opens and Will is standing there staring back at me. His body is drained and his eyes are red and puffy. I can't tell if it's from lack of sleep or he's been crying but something compels me to run into his arms. He wraps his arms around me and I feel him sigh against me.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers into my ear.

"What for?"

"For not fighting hard enough."

I pull back slightly and look into his eyes. "It's been weeks and you've done nothing, why?"

"I finally received a letter from my sister."

"How is she?" That's when I see his eyes about to burst.

"She... she lost the baby and wants to come home. Not only did her soldier leave her but my father refuses to allow her back in the house. I... I didn't know who to talk to so I came here."

My arms move to snake around his waist, pulling him close to me. "I'm so sorry, Will. I'm here. I'm always here."

I completely forget Bradley is there in the store until I hear him clear his throat behind me. I turn slightly in Will's arms to see him and it's Will who speaks first. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

"Actually Bradley was just leaving," I chime in, thankful that Will is giving me an excuse to get away from Bradley and be with the man I love.

Bradley gives me a condescending glare, grabs his hat from the counter, and walks out of the store. The minute he's gone, I let go of Will completely and back away. I don't want to deal with these emotions but with him standing there in front of me, they all flood back and I have no choice. My eyes water instantly when I think that he doesn't love me anymore and so I blurt out the one thing on my mind and hope for the answer I want.

"Do you still love me?"

He takes a step towards me. "I've never stopped, not for a second!"

*   *   *   *   *

Sitting under the Yellowwood again feels so perfect. His arms wrap protectively around me and I feel safe and comfortable. As I lean my head back against his chest, he kisses the top of my head, causing me to sigh. With the sun warm on my face, my eyes stay closed and I want to stay like this forever.

"I can't believe we're here," I muse.

"I know. But you know we can't stay here like this forever," he replies.

"Why can't we fix this?" I inquire.

"I don't know how. Every option means I will hurt someone and I can't deal with that!"

"Have you tried to get a hold of your sister?"

"My father never gives me time to sit and write to her and I'm sure the North confiscates the letters before she receives them."

"What if I can help you?"

"How?" He shifts behind me to face me better.

"I can get your letter to your sister without anyone suspecting."

"What are you scheming in that head of yours?" he questions playfully.

"Bradley is a northern soldier, right? I could convince him to go home and bring a letter to your sister."

"He'd never go for it, you know that right? Besides, I don't know exactly where she's living right now."

"Wasn't there a return address on the letter?"

"I'm not sure, probably not, since she was sending it secretly. The last I heard she was working as a nurse in Richmond, but who knows where she might have been moved to."

"But Bradley could find out."

"Are you sure he'd be ok with that? I mean, when was the last time you saw him?"

I lower my head, not wanting to look him in the eyes. "The day you came into the bookstore and he left."

"So you want him to take a letter north and try to find my sister when you've already pushed him away?"

"I think it's worth a try."

"How are you going to convince him to do it?"

"I don't know. Maybe I can just go north and deliver the letter myself."

"Absolutely not! I won't let you risk your life trying to cross enemy lines!"

"But you need to get your sister back! If they're holding her there, then we need some way to bring her home. What if I went with Bradley? He can find where she is and then we can escort her south together."

"Maddie, it's not that simple! And what if you are captured once you get there? I won't risk losing you as well!"

He wraps his arms tightly around me and kisses the top of my head. I lean back into him again and understand his fears. I haven't spoken to Bradley in weeks so there's no telling whether he'd go along with my idea or not. A light summer breeze rustles the trees around us and I notice the winds are shifting. Off in the distance, the faint rumble of thunder sounds and I know our time together is going to be cut short.

"What are you going to do about your sister?"

He sighs and then leans his head back against the tree. "I don't know."

"I wish I could help you."

"I know." Another boom of thunder, this time a bit closer than before, tells us it's time to go. "I should get you home before the storm hits."

I don't want to leave but a thunderstorm in Kentucky can be dangerous and you don't want to be stuck out in it. Reluctantly, I lift myself from his lap and stand up. He stands as well and takes my hand in his, lacing his fingers perfectly with mine. Another loud boom announces that the storm is getting close and small drops of rain begin to drip from the sky onto us.

"My house is closer. We can wait out the storm there," he says, pulling me along.

"But what if someone sees us?" I'm worried.

"Don't worry. My parents have taken Raelynn to Frankfurt so they'll be gone for awhile, possibly overnight."

I allow him to pull me along, raindrops falling on my head and shoulders. Before we can reach the plantation house, the skies open up and it begins to pour, soaking us both. Laughing, he pulls me into the stables to try to dry off or at least to get out of the rain. The entire shed is lit up around us as lightning streaks across the sky and thunder vibrates the walls. Not wanting to face the storm, I jump towards him, his arms wrapping strongly around me.

"It's ok. The storm will pass but we really should get inside and out of these wet clothes. I'm sure I can find something for you to change into."

He lets go of me and grabs my hand and again we are racing through the raindrops until we reach the back door of the plantation house. We run up the back stairs, rather loudly for my liking, and enter the upstairs from the old secret doorway I've been using for a year now. Where before it felt like I was intruding in the house, now it feels too familiar to me. We stop inside his room and he lets go of my hand.

"Wait here. I'll get us some towels and I'll get you some clothes."

He leaves me in his room and I feel slightly compelled to wrap myself up in the sheets on his bed. I have spent so much time in this room in the last year but when my eye catches the bed, I cringe. I don't want to know if she sleeps there with him when I'm not there, but to be his wife and have your own room in plantation society would be nothing less than scandalous. He returns carrying a sundress and I can tell he feels just as awkward about giving it to me as I do about taking it—I know it's hers.

"This is all I could find that wasn't a fancy dress. It's a wonder she had this mixed in with the rest of her dresses. She never wears anything but fancy dresses anyway so I highly doubt she even knows she has this."

"Is there a place I can change?" I bow my head nervously. Even though we've been together several times in the last year, it still bothers me to be anything but fully clothed in his bedroom, especially during the day when anyone could come home.

"Sure. You remember where the bathroom is, down the hall? There are towels in there as well so you can dry off." He moves to push a strand of hair out of my face but I pull back.

"I... I'll be right back."

Going down the hall, I find the bathroom easily and lock myself in to ensure no one comes in while I'm changing. I grab a towel and begin to dry myself off, slipping my wet clothes off and letting them fall in a heap on the floor. As I put on the sundress I feel like I'm intruding even more. If Rachael-Lynn came home, she would find me in her husband's bedroom, wearing her dress! Maybe it's what Will wants. Maybe he wants her to find me here.

I step out of the bathroom and self-consciously look down the hall to make sure no one else is coming. Quickly I gather my wet clothes into a ball and bring them with me back into Will's room, where he's waiting for me. Without a word, he takes the clothes from me and leaves the room, leaving me there alone. I'm not sure where he takes the clothes but when he returns his arms are empty.

"Are you warm enough?" he asks. I notice he can't look in my eyes.

I nod my head in reply. He comes over and tentatively places his hands on my arms, running them up and down, sending a slight chill down my spine. Looking up and into his eyes, I'm lost all over again. For a split second, everything is surreal—this is our house, our bedroom, and he's my husband and not hers. For as long as I can hold his eyes nothing can take him away from me—until we hear the front door slam shut with a loud bang.
 

continue to chapter 20